is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
