sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
