Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
