I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
