I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
