When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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