Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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