Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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