so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
