I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the condom got lost in my hair
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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