Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
