a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
