i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize