She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize