I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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