Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
