Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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