I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I puked a lego.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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