Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
