You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
