Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
