News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
