Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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