dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
