My hand turned me down
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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