I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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