I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize