I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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