Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
