I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
