Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
