i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
