I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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