I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
