so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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