Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
