I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
