Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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