I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
