so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's blow job season.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
