my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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