mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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