woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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