the condom got lost in my hair
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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