i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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