why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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