Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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