dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
