At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
