from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
