Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
