He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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