Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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