I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
