I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
