I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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