My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
