I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
