Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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