Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
