im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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