I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
