Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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