i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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