I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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